“Hello, friends”, we heard Jim say,
“and welcome to another day
to a course that is both charming and special:
It’s called Augusta National.
And so began a splendid morning
(After so much rain just poured and poured)
When for some reason would you believe,
They let us walk from tee to green.
Before Tiger smiled and Rory leaps —
Before Friday’s cut and the purge of the pitch –
Before scottie simply amazed,
Dude, Lee and I just walked in the field.
It helps, I think, beginner masters
To have a slightly wiser friend:
“Go here, look at them, check this, not that,
Take a photo and make a wish.
Guy helped so much – two trips will do –
And while we were speechless, he just stood back.
He pointed to a recent change,
But wanted us to seize the day.
And that’s what we’ve done ! From nine to noon!
Until we hear the sirens – Boo!
T-storms, tornadoes, fast approaching,
And during our walk, they were encroaching.
We dragged our feet as best we could,
Walk slowly in the wood.
There was no rush, we tried to wait,
But again, we were told: “Evacuate”.
No sadder words could have been spoken.
Was our day in the past?
Radio tuned, forecast updated,
Inside our car, we sat and waited.
And then – a rush! A flash of patrons
Went back to the gates, and
Could it be? Was this sign correct?
The course has reopened for badge holders!
Back we walked, unwavering smiles
It was icing, bonus, sauce.
The golf gods have smiled upon tens of thousands of people,
Sent inside to stroll and browse, and
Browse we did, 1 to 18…
And inside the Golf Shop. To see,
I kinda told a bunch of homies
My travel plans: “Please bring me some stuff?”
The line alone was Disneyesque,
Wrapped and curling, a midday rest.
And once inside — Gunga galunga! —
Entire paychecks died in moments. Oompa!
Six caps, three shirts, a quarter zip,
A trio of towels to clean up club drips.
Some playing cards and divot tools,
Pin flags, ball markers, it’s all cool.
My uncle just wanted a ball.
For you old To Man easy call.
I have never seen such fashionable gnomes –
I would have sat on my knees the whole way.
And then a light brick lunch:
Pimento cheese (I ordered six),
Four bunches of pecans, lemonade,
Sweet tea, some bottled waters made,
Maybe from old Rae’s Creek on the 12.
Oh! And a banana, just to help
Fueling my legs on grassy stuff –
Never enough potassium.
Found Guy and Lee,
There were more courses for us to see.
Up and down and back again —
The elevation change is real, my friends.
We watched Cam, Vijay and woosie,
Then at Par-3, threshold and Hughes-y.
The sun broke through, the day was grand,
And then, oh no, the sirens again.
Once again a voice told us to leave,
And this time, no, no mercy.
We dropped off at 4 o’clock,
Shoulders touching, golf chatter.
Who knows next time we’ll be back?
Next year, I hope, no problem.
Otherwise, we went there once (not twice),
So we have that to ourselves, which is good.